Maybe I Don't Want It

I.

I watch myself shaking 

my head “no” in some

big playful way. 

 

Like you see the three year olds do. 

 

Teeth in overbite position,

resting on a bottom lip

folded all the way over. 

 

This is what I do when

she asks me do I want someone

to bring me flowers. 

 

I’d like someone to bring me orchids

she says. 

 

II. 

She says she was my age

when she got engaged.

 

A montage of my peers

engagement and marriage photos

run through my head. 

 

I want to deflect. 

Laughing I’d say, 

 

“It makes me feel stressed out. Like I’m gonna die alone or something.” 

 

Instead, I pretend I don’t want love. 

 

III. 

I swim in delirium after a platonic playdate. 

 

It is a choir of 50 singing out. 

 

A spectacle for all to see. 

Watching me fall apart and 

come back together. 

 

Someone gives it 3.5 stars. 

 

I keep opening and closing,

opening and closing.

 

Does a doorway get tired 

when we walk through it too many times?

 

-Marlee Miller 

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