Maybe I Don't Want It


I watch myself shaking 

my head “no” in some

big playful way. 


Like you see the three year olds do. 


Teeth in overbite position,

resting on a bottom lip

folded all the way over. 


This is what I do when

she asks me do I want someone

to bring me flowers. 


I’d like someone to bring me orchids

she says. 



She says she was my age

when she got engaged.


A montage of my peers

engagement and marriage photos

run through my head. 


I want to deflect. 

Laughing I’d say, 


“It makes me feel stressed out. Like I’m gonna die alone or something.” 


Instead, I pretend I don’t want love. 



I swim in delirium after a platonic playdate. 


It is a choir of 50 singing out. 


A spectacle for all to see. 

Watching me fall apart and 

come back together. 


Someone gives it 3.5 stars. 


I keep opening and closing,

opening and closing.


Does a doorway get tired 

when we walk through it too many times?


-Marlee Miller 

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